OK So I've been awake since 2:20am. It's now 4:20am. Work is not going to be fun tomorrow.
Things are going around and around in my brain and I think I'm putting myself under too much pressure. So I thought I'd write them out.
1) I'm worried about Al. He is getting better but the depressive episodes are getting worse I think when they happen and it scares me that in only 3months I'll be leaving him alone and I'm not sure how much support he'll have during the week. To mitigate this, I've been looking online for a private psychiatrist to see if I can check up costs, as we think that's the only next step available.
2) I'm worried cos HR have apparently 'lost' 10 of my holidays which means I have to work for two weeks longer than planned. I'm upset about this because I had planned to have a break before starting work in the new place and this will put some extra pressure on me. But even with the holidays they're talking about, I will have a week to get myself sorted out before I start the new job. It's just not really a problem, but a minor irritation. And it may yet be sorted out.......
3) I'm worried about not sleeping. Daft I know, but there you go. The doc has given me sleeping tablets but I don't want to take them at 3am cos I probably wouldn't wake til after the working day was over lol
4) I'm worried that something will crop up and I won't get this job and the old job won't want me back and all will be for nought and I'll be homeless and have to move home.......Now this really is a ridiculous notion cos I know I can do the job, I know there's nothing to stop me doing this job and there's nothing really wrong with my application or my interviews and dammit the company want me so what the hell am I worried about?
All this is whizzing around in my head and it's ridiculous - I know it's ridiculous, and for the love of God most of it I can do nothing about. And the things I can do something about, I am doing something about. The move is a huge opportunity, it's a lot more money, it's a new industry, new company, whole new arena for me to develop into.
The Al thing - the man's 41 yrs old. He can actually look after himself, he's managed this far, but still I feel responsible for him now...........so I need to put things in place before I go rather than worry, and I'm doing that by chasing up the private angle.
So with all that off my chest, I should manage to get to sleep now right?
Well we'll see..........
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Sunday, 28 March 2010
Planning and plans for the future
I got the call from my interview on Thursday to say I had the job. This was great news. I am over the moon about this. It's a massive change and it's a massive upheaval but I can't help thinking it couldn't have happened at a better time or a better period.
All this means however, that it's time for a massive declutter and sort out of the house. I have 3months before i start the new job but that will be pushing it for time knowing this place!! So the declutter is planned for next weekend. I may even start packing things away in preparation for the move.
This does bring me to planning though. The plans for the future are pretty much there now - I'm moving jobs and changing life. Planning in general though, does not come easily to me. I hate planning out my meals for the week, I hate planning my exercise for the week, I hate planning full stop. But the fact of the matter is it works for me. In a minimal quantity anyway. So I'm about to sit down and go through my freezer and chuck out the things that I know I won't eat. And then I'm going to base this weeks meals around what's in there. And then I'm going to see if I can get next week's out of them as well.
The freezer is really full at the minute and i'm unsure how much stuff is edible or tasty in there. So I'm having a clear out. The start of the declutter I suppose :) Then I can go through my cupboards and presses and do the same. So all I should need to do tomorrow is to top up with fresh fuit and vegetables and make sure I have all the essentials. I have bread, eggs and cheese anyway, so a mainly f&v shop looks in order.
Now I also have dinner tonight sorted - there's chicken soup stewing and Al has made a casserole so that's ok.So for the rest of today I need to:
* finish laundry
* tidy living room
* go to gym
* wash car
* tidy bedroom
* lay out clothes for the week
* bag up clothes for charity
It appears like it's a lot but it's not really. I had a nice relaxing day yesterday in Cheltenham - and man, but La Tasca is enough to have anyone break out of strict eating plans!!! so today is about preparation, preparation, preparation....... :)
I'm feeling a lot happier in myself and my life now I know things are going to change. It's like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders!!! :)
All this means however, that it's time for a massive declutter and sort out of the house. I have 3months before i start the new job but that will be pushing it for time knowing this place!! So the declutter is planned for next weekend. I may even start packing things away in preparation for the move.
This does bring me to planning though. The plans for the future are pretty much there now - I'm moving jobs and changing life. Planning in general though, does not come easily to me. I hate planning out my meals for the week, I hate planning my exercise for the week, I hate planning full stop. But the fact of the matter is it works for me. In a minimal quantity anyway. So I'm about to sit down and go through my freezer and chuck out the things that I know I won't eat. And then I'm going to base this weeks meals around what's in there. And then I'm going to see if I can get next week's out of them as well.
The freezer is really full at the minute and i'm unsure how much stuff is edible or tasty in there. So I'm having a clear out. The start of the declutter I suppose :) Then I can go through my cupboards and presses and do the same. So all I should need to do tomorrow is to top up with fresh fuit and vegetables and make sure I have all the essentials. I have bread, eggs and cheese anyway, so a mainly f&v shop looks in order.
Now I also have dinner tonight sorted - there's chicken soup stewing and Al has made a casserole so that's ok.So for the rest of today I need to:
* finish laundry
* tidy living room
* go to gym
* wash car
* tidy bedroom
* lay out clothes for the week
* bag up clothes for charity
It appears like it's a lot but it's not really. I had a nice relaxing day yesterday in Cheltenham - and man, but La Tasca is enough to have anyone break out of strict eating plans!!! so today is about preparation, preparation, preparation....... :)
I'm feeling a lot happier in myself and my life now I know things are going to change. It's like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders!!! :)
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Anger
Anger is not normally an emotional one associates with issues with weight management. But I'm finding today it is affecting the way I feel and the way I want to behave.
I was informed this morning of a decision made in work a few days ago, which essentially takes my team away from me and leaves me no way to complete the work I've been asked to oversee without major delays. I'm so angry at 1) the team being taken away from me, 2)the plain rudeness of not telling me about the matter and 3) the fact that nothing is in place to help me that I'm sat in my office shaking.
I also want to eat.
As a short term measure, I walked back from the meeting the long way around and tried to walk off the adrenaline, but that hasn't worked. I've had my mid morning snack - at about the right time - but I'm still feeling weak, shaky and dizzy - all symptoms of the sheer anger and frustration I'm feeling. I'm having a coffee - which probably isn't helping, but I'm off choccy for Lent - to try and slow my brain down and think about this rationally but it's jsut one more symptom of everything that is wrong with my job here.
But I need to manage the anger now. Yes it's justified. Yes, it's understandable. But it's hurting me right now and no one else to have me feeling this way. So I need to calm down and relax and not scoff my whole lunch as an act of defiance.
Why am I writing this? Cos I need to think it out - and the angry typing is helping - a bit. And I need to record what I'm thinking and how it's affecting me so when I'm in a calmer frame of mind I can assess it and make some plans for next time.
The problem with anger is, it's difficult to prepare for it. It's likely we know what kind of situations are likely to cause us to feel anger, but it's difficult to predict when this will occur. Add this to the fact that if an situation is expected to cause anger then it probably will. The idea that one might get angry predisposes one to feel that emotion (now there's a sentence and a half!! lol) So the idea is to calm oneself in one's mind before entering a situation. Unfortunately that wasn't possible this morning and my reaction was my natural knee jerk reaction. It's causing problems in all sorts of areas for me right now but I can't see any way out...........
For now - well I've had my snack, it's 2hrs til I want to eat lunch and I can keep myself busy til then. I'll disappear for a walk at lunch time to get some fresh air to ease the stress and tension and by the time I need to attend this afternoon's meeting I may be in a better frame of mind.
One thing I am doing si to hit the gym tonight to use up some of the adrenaline - cos I don't think it does any good to leave it racing arounf the system the way it is now!!!
I was informed this morning of a decision made in work a few days ago, which essentially takes my team away from me and leaves me no way to complete the work I've been asked to oversee without major delays. I'm so angry at 1) the team being taken away from me, 2)the plain rudeness of not telling me about the matter and 3) the fact that nothing is in place to help me that I'm sat in my office shaking.
I also want to eat.
As a short term measure, I walked back from the meeting the long way around and tried to walk off the adrenaline, but that hasn't worked. I've had my mid morning snack - at about the right time - but I'm still feeling weak, shaky and dizzy - all symptoms of the sheer anger and frustration I'm feeling. I'm having a coffee - which probably isn't helping, but I'm off choccy for Lent - to try and slow my brain down and think about this rationally but it's jsut one more symptom of everything that is wrong with my job here.
But I need to manage the anger now. Yes it's justified. Yes, it's understandable. But it's hurting me right now and no one else to have me feeling this way. So I need to calm down and relax and not scoff my whole lunch as an act of defiance.
Why am I writing this? Cos I need to think it out - and the angry typing is helping - a bit. And I need to record what I'm thinking and how it's affecting me so when I'm in a calmer frame of mind I can assess it and make some plans for next time.
The problem with anger is, it's difficult to prepare for it. It's likely we know what kind of situations are likely to cause us to feel anger, but it's difficult to predict when this will occur. Add this to the fact that if an situation is expected to cause anger then it probably will. The idea that one might get angry predisposes one to feel that emotion (now there's a sentence and a half!! lol) So the idea is to calm oneself in one's mind before entering a situation. Unfortunately that wasn't possible this morning and my reaction was my natural knee jerk reaction. It's causing problems in all sorts of areas for me right now but I can't see any way out...........
For now - well I've had my snack, it's 2hrs til I want to eat lunch and I can keep myself busy til then. I'll disappear for a walk at lunch time to get some fresh air to ease the stress and tension and by the time I need to attend this afternoon's meeting I may be in a better frame of mind.
One thing I am doing si to hit the gym tonight to use up some of the adrenaline - cos I don't think it does any good to leave it racing arounf the system the way it is now!!!
Monday, 22 March 2010
gaps getting longer
Which isn't really a good sign is it?
Well ok so there are reasons.
1) I had a job interview second week in March. It went really well. As in seriously really well. I want that job, they appear to want me and I have a second interview on Wednesday.
2) St Patrick's Day was last week. (Wednesday to be exact!) I was home all week and while I was eating properly most of the time for two days I drank far far too much!!! No idea how the weight went but my clothes still fit/are loose so it's all ok really.
3) I had to go suit-shopping with my mother last week. Which went a lot better than expected and I bought a suit in Next which has never happened before!!!
So reasons for not blogging - well ok, partly excuses but there you go.
I've registered 95kg on the scales last Monday so that was a good boost. Over the weekend, my period arrived and for the first time in ages, I spent Sunday on the couch, whimpering in pain and not eating. And then had McDonalds. Not the healthiest of options but certainly not the worst I've ever done on a period.
feeling fed up, peed off and generally not happy this morning. A combination of being back at work after a week off and the tail end (I hope!) of the period.
April is going to be 'Eat Right for your Type' month and I'll be reading up on that and sorting out what's needed in the next week.
Here we go again!!! :)
Well ok so there are reasons.
1) I had a job interview second week in March. It went really well. As in seriously really well. I want that job, they appear to want me and I have a second interview on Wednesday.
2) St Patrick's Day was last week. (Wednesday to be exact!) I was home all week and while I was eating properly most of the time for two days I drank far far too much!!! No idea how the weight went but my clothes still fit/are loose so it's all ok really.
3) I had to go suit-shopping with my mother last week. Which went a lot better than expected and I bought a suit in Next which has never happened before!!!
So reasons for not blogging - well ok, partly excuses but there you go.
I've registered 95kg on the scales last Monday so that was a good boost. Over the weekend, my period arrived and for the first time in ages, I spent Sunday on the couch, whimpering in pain and not eating. And then had McDonalds. Not the healthiest of options but certainly not the worst I've ever done on a period.
feeling fed up, peed off and generally not happy this morning. A combination of being back at work after a week off and the tail end (I hope!) of the period.
April is going to be 'Eat Right for your Type' month and I'll be reading up on that and sorting out what's needed in the next week.
Here we go again!!! :)
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
February round-up
Good news - in February I lost 3.6kg. Which is excellent and pretty much on target. However I was under cals every week so probably should have expected more of a loss.......
Bad news - for the last three weeks work has been so manic it's just not funny and it's affecting my mental state. So I'm looking to move jobs - temporary addition of stress but long term satisfaction....I hope!!!
The f&v count has been steadily in the 8-16 a day range which I'm happy about and more veg has made inroads into my diet.
This month's challenge is to get back on the exercise loop. I've signed up for a duathlon in September so I need to be able to run 5k, cycle 20k and then run another 5k by then. I can do it - I just need to push myself a bit, that's all. And my Dad is helping me out as much as he can :)
This month will also be a challenge in that it's St Patrick's Day on the 17th, so I may have to adjust for maintenance cals that day and make them up on exercise later. But I can plan for it and it's not that bad :)
OK back to the grindstone we go!!
Bad news - for the last three weeks work has been so manic it's just not funny and it's affecting my mental state. So I'm looking to move jobs - temporary addition of stress but long term satisfaction....I hope!!!
The f&v count has been steadily in the 8-16 a day range which I'm happy about and more veg has made inroads into my diet.
This month's challenge is to get back on the exercise loop. I've signed up for a duathlon in September so I need to be able to run 5k, cycle 20k and then run another 5k by then. I can do it - I just need to push myself a bit, that's all. And my Dad is helping me out as much as he can :)
This month will also be a challenge in that it's St Patrick's Day on the 17th, so I may have to adjust for maintenance cals that day and make them up on exercise later. But I can plan for it and it's not that bad :)
OK back to the grindstone we go!!
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