Sick

Sore throat. sore ears. Headache. Misery generally.

I was meant to have a gym review today - but I was an hour late for it. I felt so miserable and upset and the gym lady really really didn't seem to understand what the hell was going on with me - I could see her thinking, how the hell can you put on a stone without noticing??? Well it's pretty easy actually.........I've done it at least 6 times now..........and every time it's a shock.

I came home, got on the phone to Al and burst into tears. And then I realised - her attitude is NOT my problem. Just cos she doesn't undertand the mindset pr the thinking behind all of this - not my issue. It's hers.

Now I'm away on a course from tomorrow night on and normally this would be a sign to not worry bout weight/food for the rest of the week. But I'm making a stand. I am saying enough. There's free wi fi in the hotel so I can bring my laptop and keep up to date with everything. I can log my food. I can keep track. I can bring some exercise equipment with me and do some exercise even if the place doesn't have a gym. I can keep on track. Enough is enough.

I'm tired of being the big one. The jolly one. The happy one. The lonely one. The alone one. The self conscious one. That's not me really, not inside my head. So I have some nice clothes to wear this week that will make me feel good and I will wear them. I'm worth it. And I can walk to and from the course from the hotel every day. I can get that two mile walk in every day. I can present myself in a way that will make me happy.

This is life. This is what happens and this is how you pick yourself up every single time.

There's no second chance at life so take what comes and run with it!!!!

New start. Again.

OK so I've so far started afresh pretty much every month this year. And something keeps cropping up. I'm nearly as heavy as I was in Jan 2009 (if I take the last weight reading I trust!) and I'm not happy about it.

If I lost half a kilo a week that would be a stone by Christmas and half way to goal by my 31st birthday.

If I lost a kilo a week, it would be a stone by Christmas and goal by my birthday.

I'm going to aim somewhere in between.

It's not even a new new start, it's a continuation of a lot of previous new starts. Since June certainly I've let things slide and things aren't moving. So I need to look at what I was doing before this.

I'm still not used to my new gym, so I don't feel comfortable in there yet.That means I'm constantly finding excuses to not go. And there's no one here to make arrangements with so there's no wriggling out of it. So there's no pressure on me if i come home and slouch for the evening. Except it leads to wasting entire evenings.

I've not come to terms with my new kitchen yet either. it sounds weird but it's so different from the old one and nothing is where it used to be cos none of the cupboards match up to where they used to me. I'm still trying to move things around to suit me. Most of all I'm lacking counter space for chopping, mixing, baking, etc. So, I need to expose myself to the kitchen more. Which means spending more time in said kitchen. Which will in time lead to getting used to it and wanting to use it more.

I'm spending a lot of time sitting on the floor in front of the telly looking at things that I need to sort out and not having the motivation to sort it out. So I'm doing one thing tonight that's been bugging me. Just one thing. I'm going to sort out the extra bookshelf in the living room that's slowly becomed filled with crap. The books will go on a proper bookshelf, the crap will get thrown out, everything will be put in it's place. That's just one thing to make this house my own.

And once that one thing is done, the room will be more spacious, easier to clean, easier to keep tidy. And will lead to other 'one things'.

it's all about getting a routine going, and keeping it going. So I'm going to start laying out my loose routine tonight and see how it works next week - which will be difficult cos I'm away at a course for most of it but I can work around that - I always have before.

I have an appointment at the gym for a workout review on Monday evening. I will explain to the person doing the review how I'm feeling and what I want to achieve in my workouts. I will write this down for myself so I can remember it all.I'm also going to plan which 2 classes I can attend each week with ease. Just two - that's all. Giving up 2hrs a week is nothing.
 
I will do this. I will succeed. I will not let my depression and weight defeat me!!!

Another absence.....

Well it's been a long time again hasn't it. Thankfully this time, only 3 weeks and not 3months.

I went back to the docs today. 6weeks ago she told me I was bulimic. Today she told me I was normal. I'm not sure how to manage those two assertions.

I'm feeling lost alone and isolated. I need to make contact with people. I need to see people. I've never really linked depression with weight but it's obvious that they are linked. Once I get back on top of the depression, I can start working seriously on the weight/size again. Being honest - it's the same sort of things that will help both- eat healthily, lots of fruit and veg, get fresh air and exercise, dress properly, socialise, make an effort with myself, keep the house tidy........

Tonight I was going to salsa but it's £6 and I don't have it - payday being in 2 days time. And of course since I know noone round here it's not the sort of thing I can pop round to the neighbours and ask to borrow........

So instead, I'm having a pizza. yup I know - about as useful in the long run as a chocolate teapot. However, after the pizza, I'm clearing out the dining room of clutter, and putting it all somewhere useful. Tomorrow I am booked in for aqua aerobics. Monday I am booked in for a gym review. I'm off to see a friend and her kids this weekend.

Life is good you know, really - I just need to convince my brain of that fact.

I suppose the day wasn't helped by the antics on the scales this morning.This is what I posted on wlr this morning.

I had another wagon planned for this morning but my scales have given me serious grief this morning. I've been suspicious about them for a few weeks now but this morning really took the p......mickey :)


I didn't weigh last week cos i wasn't home, so I was expecting a stay the same or a slight loss or a slight gain. The first time I got on the scales I saw an 8kg gain. Something wrong there I thought. Got off, zeroed scales, tried again. 14kg loss. Now while I was tempted to take this for a correct reading I had the vaguest of feelings it wasn't right......I'm not on the Biggest Loser after all!

Over the next 10mins I had pretty much every number in a 25kg range.

I tried the back up scales in case it was the batteries going in the first one. Same result.

I started to feel really miserable and despondent at this point, cos some of those numbers were a LOT higher than I've ever recorded and some of them were scarily close to my goal weight.......well the initial one anyway. To stop myself getting upset, I came downstairs and made myself a coffee, caught up with some emails, watched the news........

I went up to go to the bathroom and tried again. same result.

At this point, my rational mind kicked in. Obviously something is going on here that isn't normal. I'm prepared to accept that moving my scales will make a difference, that the way I stand on them will make a difference, the atmospheric pressure will make a difference.....but not to the extent of 25kg - not in my tiny bathroom anyway!

So I've left it. But my irrational mind is still harking on at me about those big numbers.......Numbers that never appeared even in my nightmares?

What is it about this small cuboid in my bathroom that it has such control over me? I know I've been eating sensibly over the last two weeks (cal count not accurate due to no internet access last week!) I've not been binging or out of control even in the hotel I had cold meat and fruit for breakfast rather than the fry up. I made the best of a difficult situation. If it was anyone else, I'd be saying, there's blatantly something wrong here you've done well, leave it alone.

For a lot of us, scales have a huge power over us - and it's one of the signs that things aren't right with me generally that it's having such an effect on me - so why is it?

Is our worth and our contribution to ourselves and our lives and our families really determined by a number appearing on a small screen?

Are we to be judged only by our weight?

Is there nothing else in life?

Now we all know the answers to the questions above will vary slightly according to each of us, but I'd hate to think anyone thought their worth in this world is judged by the scales.

So I'm making an executive decision. I'm weighing again tomorrow and if the scales are still weird - I'm throwing out the scales I have and getting a new set on Friday. Starting fresh and see how I go.

And it's NOT a measure of who I am or what I am. Those scales will NOT control my life. I will NOT become obsesssed and miserable and horrible to myself because of those mech/elec items.


I am more than a number on the scales!!!


So the day didn't start right but I will finish it right!!! half hour of tidying followed by a bath and then bed.

Woohoo.

OK it's been a while

Well it's been 3 and a bit months - sorry about that. I've moved house, started a new job, been away on holiday, completed the challenge distance of the everywoman's duathlon.....and gained some weight. A LOT of weight in fact. I'm right back up to 109kg. I'm not happy about this.

So it's time to start again.

Back to basics - I'm logging my food every day. I've honestly entered my weight. I've reduced my rate of loss per week so my cal restriction isn't too drastic.

Dad was over this weekend and I feel very low and sad right now since he's gone back. I miss being able to pop over to Al when I feel like this.

Still there are some highlights.

1) Al and I are getting married Aug 2012.

2) That's 2yrs to work on my size.

3) I've figured out it isn't my weight that's the problem, it's my size I have issues with. So, I'm attacking the gym again but with the emphasis on weights rather than cardio - I will do some classes for cardio though :)

A whole new me eh?

I will be posting more often again - I think I like the accountability to myself really..........