Sick

Sore throat. sore ears. Headache. Misery generally.

I was meant to have a gym review today - but I was an hour late for it. I felt so miserable and upset and the gym lady really really didn't seem to understand what the hell was going on with me - I could see her thinking, how the hell can you put on a stone without noticing??? Well it's pretty easy actually.........I've done it at least 6 times now..........and every time it's a shock.

I came home, got on the phone to Al and burst into tears. And then I realised - her attitude is NOT my problem. Just cos she doesn't undertand the mindset pr the thinking behind all of this - not my issue. It's hers.

Now I'm away on a course from tomorrow night on and normally this would be a sign to not worry bout weight/food for the rest of the week. But I'm making a stand. I am saying enough. There's free wi fi in the hotel so I can bring my laptop and keep up to date with everything. I can log my food. I can keep track. I can bring some exercise equipment with me and do some exercise even if the place doesn't have a gym. I can keep on track. Enough is enough.

I'm tired of being the big one. The jolly one. The happy one. The lonely one. The alone one. The self conscious one. That's not me really, not inside my head. So I have some nice clothes to wear this week that will make me feel good and I will wear them. I'm worth it. And I can walk to and from the course from the hotel every day. I can get that two mile walk in every day. I can present myself in a way that will make me happy.

This is life. This is what happens and this is how you pick yourself up every single time.

There's no second chance at life so take what comes and run with it!!!!

New start. Again.

OK so I've so far started afresh pretty much every month this year. And something keeps cropping up. I'm nearly as heavy as I was in Jan 2009 (if I take the last weight reading I trust!) and I'm not happy about it.

If I lost half a kilo a week that would be a stone by Christmas and half way to goal by my 31st birthday.

If I lost a kilo a week, it would be a stone by Christmas and goal by my birthday.

I'm going to aim somewhere in between.

It's not even a new new start, it's a continuation of a lot of previous new starts. Since June certainly I've let things slide and things aren't moving. So I need to look at what I was doing before this.

I'm still not used to my new gym, so I don't feel comfortable in there yet.That means I'm constantly finding excuses to not go. And there's no one here to make arrangements with so there's no wriggling out of it. So there's no pressure on me if i come home and slouch for the evening. Except it leads to wasting entire evenings.

I've not come to terms with my new kitchen yet either. it sounds weird but it's so different from the old one and nothing is where it used to be cos none of the cupboards match up to where they used to me. I'm still trying to move things around to suit me. Most of all I'm lacking counter space for chopping, mixing, baking, etc. So, I need to expose myself to the kitchen more. Which means spending more time in said kitchen. Which will in time lead to getting used to it and wanting to use it more.

I'm spending a lot of time sitting on the floor in front of the telly looking at things that I need to sort out and not having the motivation to sort it out. So I'm doing one thing tonight that's been bugging me. Just one thing. I'm going to sort out the extra bookshelf in the living room that's slowly becomed filled with crap. The books will go on a proper bookshelf, the crap will get thrown out, everything will be put in it's place. That's just one thing to make this house my own.

And once that one thing is done, the room will be more spacious, easier to clean, easier to keep tidy. And will lead to other 'one things'.

it's all about getting a routine going, and keeping it going. So I'm going to start laying out my loose routine tonight and see how it works next week - which will be difficult cos I'm away at a course for most of it but I can work around that - I always have before.

I have an appointment at the gym for a workout review on Monday evening. I will explain to the person doing the review how I'm feeling and what I want to achieve in my workouts. I will write this down for myself so I can remember it all.I'm also going to plan which 2 classes I can attend each week with ease. Just two - that's all. Giving up 2hrs a week is nothing.
 
I will do this. I will succeed. I will not let my depression and weight defeat me!!!

Another absence.....

Well it's been a long time again hasn't it. Thankfully this time, only 3 weeks and not 3months.

I went back to the docs today. 6weeks ago she told me I was bulimic. Today she told me I was normal. I'm not sure how to manage those two assertions.

I'm feeling lost alone and isolated. I need to make contact with people. I need to see people. I've never really linked depression with weight but it's obvious that they are linked. Once I get back on top of the depression, I can start working seriously on the weight/size again. Being honest - it's the same sort of things that will help both- eat healthily, lots of fruit and veg, get fresh air and exercise, dress properly, socialise, make an effort with myself, keep the house tidy........

Tonight I was going to salsa but it's £6 and I don't have it - payday being in 2 days time. And of course since I know noone round here it's not the sort of thing I can pop round to the neighbours and ask to borrow........

So instead, I'm having a pizza. yup I know - about as useful in the long run as a chocolate teapot. However, after the pizza, I'm clearing out the dining room of clutter, and putting it all somewhere useful. Tomorrow I am booked in for aqua aerobics. Monday I am booked in for a gym review. I'm off to see a friend and her kids this weekend.

Life is good you know, really - I just need to convince my brain of that fact.

I suppose the day wasn't helped by the antics on the scales this morning.This is what I posted on wlr this morning.

I had another wagon planned for this morning but my scales have given me serious grief this morning. I've been suspicious about them for a few weeks now but this morning really took the p......mickey :)


I didn't weigh last week cos i wasn't home, so I was expecting a stay the same or a slight loss or a slight gain. The first time I got on the scales I saw an 8kg gain. Something wrong there I thought. Got off, zeroed scales, tried again. 14kg loss. Now while I was tempted to take this for a correct reading I had the vaguest of feelings it wasn't right......I'm not on the Biggest Loser after all!

Over the next 10mins I had pretty much every number in a 25kg range.

I tried the back up scales in case it was the batteries going in the first one. Same result.

I started to feel really miserable and despondent at this point, cos some of those numbers were a LOT higher than I've ever recorded and some of them were scarily close to my goal weight.......well the initial one anyway. To stop myself getting upset, I came downstairs and made myself a coffee, caught up with some emails, watched the news........

I went up to go to the bathroom and tried again. same result.

At this point, my rational mind kicked in. Obviously something is going on here that isn't normal. I'm prepared to accept that moving my scales will make a difference, that the way I stand on them will make a difference, the atmospheric pressure will make a difference.....but not to the extent of 25kg - not in my tiny bathroom anyway!

So I've left it. But my irrational mind is still harking on at me about those big numbers.......Numbers that never appeared even in my nightmares?

What is it about this small cuboid in my bathroom that it has such control over me? I know I've been eating sensibly over the last two weeks (cal count not accurate due to no internet access last week!) I've not been binging or out of control even in the hotel I had cold meat and fruit for breakfast rather than the fry up. I made the best of a difficult situation. If it was anyone else, I'd be saying, there's blatantly something wrong here you've done well, leave it alone.

For a lot of us, scales have a huge power over us - and it's one of the signs that things aren't right with me generally that it's having such an effect on me - so why is it?

Is our worth and our contribution to ourselves and our lives and our families really determined by a number appearing on a small screen?

Are we to be judged only by our weight?

Is there nothing else in life?

Now we all know the answers to the questions above will vary slightly according to each of us, but I'd hate to think anyone thought their worth in this world is judged by the scales.

So I'm making an executive decision. I'm weighing again tomorrow and if the scales are still weird - I'm throwing out the scales I have and getting a new set on Friday. Starting fresh and see how I go.

And it's NOT a measure of who I am or what I am. Those scales will NOT control my life. I will NOT become obsesssed and miserable and horrible to myself because of those mech/elec items.


I am more than a number on the scales!!!


So the day didn't start right but I will finish it right!!! half hour of tidying followed by a bath and then bed.

Woohoo.

OK it's been a while

Well it's been 3 and a bit months - sorry about that. I've moved house, started a new job, been away on holiday, completed the challenge distance of the everywoman's duathlon.....and gained some weight. A LOT of weight in fact. I'm right back up to 109kg. I'm not happy about this.

So it's time to start again.

Back to basics - I'm logging my food every day. I've honestly entered my weight. I've reduced my rate of loss per week so my cal restriction isn't too drastic.

Dad was over this weekend and I feel very low and sad right now since he's gone back. I miss being able to pop over to Al when I feel like this.

Still there are some highlights.

1) Al and I are getting married Aug 2012.

2) That's 2yrs to work on my size.

3) I've figured out it isn't my weight that's the problem, it's my size I have issues with. So, I'm attacking the gym again but with the emphasis on weights rather than cardio - I will do some classes for cardio though :)

A whole new me eh?

I will be posting more often again - I think I like the accountability to myself really..........

Catching up with Dr Beck

Well this week should be my last week on the Beck Diet Solution. It isnt. I've been off the rails for the last 3 weeks so I'm restarting on week 4 tomorrow. This morning though, I reviewed what's been going on so far and what has worked for me.

1) Skipping meals does NOT work for me

2) Planning out every minute of the day does NOT work for me

3) Planning out my food in detail in advance does NOT work for me

4) Allowing flexibility DOES work for me

5) Tracking what I'm eating DOES work for me

6) Exercise DOES work for me

7) Talking to myself and talking about myself DOES work for me

8) Communicating with others DOES work for me

9) Allowing myself to slip up or fail occasionally DOES work for me

10) Looking at the trend of the scales rather than the actual numbers DOES work for me

Now I'm not sure what the next few weeks have in store for me with the plan but I know some things will be happening.

• I will take the opportunity to look at my body in the full length mirror and point out which bits I like
• I will take the chance to write my body a letter and then have my body write me a letter
• I will allow myself flexible goals and keep them written somewhere so I can refer back to them
• I will be focussing on getting back on the horse after I fall off - not allowing myself to roll further away

I can do this. I can lose weight. I can get to a point where I am fit and healthy and happy with myself. I can learn to love myself no matter what. I will do it.

a fortnight later.......

I posted the below on my weight loss site this morning. I've been missing in action for a long time now and I think it's time to call a halt to that slide. So below is the plan for this week. I have to stop letting things get me down. I have some options. I am going to reread the Dr Beck solution thus far and recap on what's working and what doesn't. I will also read what I should've been doing over the last month and see what will/won't work for me. Then I'm going to reread my affirmations and my notes to myself and see where I've been lying to myself.....

I have my food planned for today and today is the basis for the rest of the week to be honest. I've got a bad headache but I think that's due t weather and hayfever rather than anything more horrible and there's ways around it anyway.

So this week is going to be a good week. I will record a loss and I will maintain a sensible diet.

I went AWOL over the weekend for a variety of reasons. Let's just say it was a good weekend in some ways and a bad one in others. Overall though I think it was a turning point.



The main thing is I'm now set up for this week. I have food, I have vegetables, I have protein, I have carbs, I have what I need to construct a decent balanced diet. I have food in the fridge, freezer and pantry. I don't need to be topping up or looking for other things.


I also have an exercise plan. I'm writing down here so someone can ask me if I stick to it.


Monday - nothing formal but was walking for bout 90mins this morning
Tuesday - run - going to try for 5k but we'll see.
Wednesday - gym - probably without treadmill apart from warm up but if I feel like it I'll do the full routine. So 40mins treadmill is dependant on how I feel, but 40mins weights and 20mins crosstrainer is definite.
Thursday - nothing formal
Friday - run (either in the air or in the gym, but if I run on Wednesday probably won't on Friday)
Saturday - cycle - with packed lunch so fairly dependent on weather as to how long of a cycle!!
Sunday - run - in the air.


As you can see as it goes towards the end of the week it gets a bit more fluid, this is because I'll be assessing how I feel and if I don't complete this because I feel stiff or overtired that's fine. I want to lay it out and see how I get on rather than aiming low and feeling disgruntled.


As for food - well I have an apple and pear every day for snacks so that's 2 portions right there of f&v. As long as I add in another 2 to both lunch and dinner I'll be ok. I'm aiming for either porridge or eggs for breakfast, a lunch with a good amount of protein in it to stave off cravings in the afternoon, a snack after work - well about 4pm cos I'm in work til 6 today & tomorrow - and then dinner for 7ish - again with protein. I've gotten into a bad habit of having very carb heavy lunches and dinners and it's playing havoc with my cravings so we're cutting down again. not cutting out, just trying to get more of a balance going on.


This is what today looks like so pretty good allround.


Percent Calories From:
Carbohydrate (56%)
Protein (18.6%)
Fat (25.4%)
Alcohol (0%)


And I've still got 120cals to play with if I want something else.


I amy or may not post every day what the nutritional content is, but I will try and post every day on the 'how are we doing' cos I think that's one of the signs I'm slipping off the rails - when I don't post on there..........So I'm back firmly on the wagon. Sorry for the essay but I just needed to write all that out I think.......

Sick again

I just sent the below in reply to a good friend online who is worried about me being ill again. I am ill - been suffering with a raging temp all day Sat/Sun and today I'm so tired it's just not funny. So I think I need to plan out an attack on my health and look at supplements and health things - a trip to the library to see what kind of info they have might be in order........

I feel lousy today as well - I just went to Sainsburys to shop and it took twice as long as usual and now i want to go back to bed....after spending a good 14hrs there already last night.

I've started taking a vit & min supplement but think I might do some reseach on what else I can do. I've just opened a pack of peppermint tea to see if I can avoid coffee for a bit and I've stocked up on f&v and healthy food for the next week. I think I will allow myself some lee way on the cals for this week and see how I feel when I eat concentrating on what's tasty and nutritious........

There's a good iron content in the supplement but I can't help thinking iron is something I'm missing anyway.......so I'm looking up veg and stuff to help with that. Red meat just isn't feeling at all good to eat at the minute.


So any ideas or advice you have I'd be really grateful for.


I also think I need to start getting out in the fresh air again - the last week I've been inside so much it's not funny. Even if I start off with a 10min walk or something while I'm so knackered it might help.

Weight report

You have lost 1.8 kg in the last 7 days.


Your goal in the last 7 days was to lose 1 kg.

I forgot to post this on Wednesday - good result. In fact very good result considering all the crap I ate at the weekend!!!

here's to managing a decent loss this week as well.Another 0.95kg and I'll be lowest weight I can remember being as an adult!!

Exhaustion

I should really have known better. I went out for an Indian to celebrate a friend's birthday last night. Now Indian food does not agree with me - ever. Late night meals do not agree with me. So it led to an upset tummy in the middle of the night.

Result? I've had about 4hrs sleep and I'm like a zombie in work, trying to figure out whether I need to really go home and get back into bed or whether I can last til lunchtime at least.

If I wasn't leaving in 5 weeks I'd be still home in bed but because I am leaving, I feel I need to show willing - however little work I'm doing while I'm here. My eyes are falling shut, my ears hurt, my tummy is NOT well......all in all, I think I would be better off in bed. But I'm being stubborn.....just for a change!!!

At the minute I'm seriously craving a McDonalds - but I've convinced myself it's going to wait til lunchtime. I've even put said McD's in my diary to eat so I know how much damage it will do but it's not helping matters much at the minute. Not having much food in work isn't the best idea either.......it's leading me to think of the bakery aisle in Asda.........

So, another pot of coffee, maybe a nut bar.......we'll see how it goes!!!

Weight loss holiday

http://www.beyondchocolate.co.uk/downloads/indd_banners.htm

I think it's an interesting concept and one I will be endeavouring to follow. Not that I want to not lose weight, but I want to feel comfortable around food. Yesterday pointed out to me that I am not over comfort eating. I am definitely still in the zone there and not moving anytime soon. I'd forgotten what it felt like to eat and eat and eat and not feel full or satisfied.

This of course should have been a sure sign that I wasn't really hungry but sad and upset cos I've just lost my Nana. So I need to find a way to mourn her productively and not turn into what she would hate to see me as. Part of my problem at the minute is that I have money in the bank cos it's just after payday and I feel flush so I'm not making sensible choices at all regarding food. I think the way to counteract this is to sit down today and plan out some menus for the next few weeks to try and get the spending side of things and therefor the cal counting side of things under control.

I have the makings of lasagne, bolognese, fajitas, casseroles etc in the house all ready to be made and frozen in portions. And with the long weekend coming up I have no excuse to skip a cooking session.

So, this weekend I will be planning how best to not diet on May 6th. Which doesn't mean eating all around me but simply means eating sensibly, healthily and nutritiously, while making sure I'm satisified. And I'm going to see if I can figure out how to add the button to the blog!!! lol

A tribute to my Nana

My Nana died on Friday at about 3am. She'd been sick for a long long time but it was quick at the end. My Mam was with her.

Nana was the grandparent I had the closest relationship with. She was the one who lasted until I had completed my 3rd decade (or nearly so) on this earth. I was her eldest grandchild and I was always her 'little O'. I was always special. I was the one she remembered the longest of the grandchildren.

She worked hard from what I can remember - a farmer's wife in Ireland in the last century did not have what would be considered an easy life, but there was always food on the table and enough money for grandad to have a pint in Ennis when he went in. There were always biccies and cake in the press. There were always calves in the field and fresh milk and cows to play with and bulls to avoid and the veg patch to tend to.........

There were meadows and fields around to play in and get lost in, sheep to be counted and country roads to wander down.

A special treat was going into town with nana. She'd be pottering about the local town and getting her bits and pieces - and I was always introduced as 'Mary's eldest, our little O'.When we went to town, I'd always get a Cadbury's Dairy Milk or an icecream - from the fridge, not the machine. And more often than not, get the chocolate all down my front as well.

In later years, I drove her to town to see people, and take her for a brandy or a whiskey in the snug or maybe even lunch if i was feeling flush. I remember on one occasion Mam took us both to Doolin for an evening with dancing and music and nana looked so young and happy.

She hated me wearing jeans and Docs - as a teenager I lived in them - and of course what did Nana know about fashion. As I grew older I'd like to think she appreciate my developing dress sense!! She herself never wore trousers - they were mens clothes, and not for her. She always preferred Mam and I in dresses or skirts - so that's what we wore to the funeral.

In the last few years, her mind started wandering. She was getting old and had Parkinsons and wasn't able to get out of bed. The nurses in the home she was in were so good to her and so patient - talking to her was difficult, especially since she was prone to cmoing out with truths it was normally considered more polite to not voice. But as an old woman she had the right to say what she thought I suppose.

I miss her so much. Visits home just won't be the same not seeing her and not listening to her talk.

Maureen McKey (neé Hynes) 1922 - 2010

The week/weekend

OK no post in a week. There are a few reasons for that.

1) I'm finding I'm struggling in work at the minute. Motivation isn't really that high and it's not being helped by the fact I'm being marginalised and stuck to one side in a lot of issues. The daily schedule on the Beck thing is helping but I'm still finding it difficulty.

2) I was ill on Friday - was up vomiting and the other end all night and most of the morning. Meant Friday was a write off in terms of food or following the plan.

3) I had a very busy weekend. Didn't stick to the plan all the time but on the whole I don't think I did too badly. More detail on the weekend to follow.

4) After the weekend I was exhausted yesterday. really exhausted - overeating central I was so tired. But I did log it all so I know where I am. Which is good.

Some things I need to focus on are:

• I thought this weekend would be a complete disaster for my self esteem. I went to a christening where my ex was one of the godfathers and it was upsetting me for most of the week. Preying on my mind was the fact that his new gf was going to be there and I was alone cos Al couldn't come. And how I would react to seeing him again. Well I did really well. OK so I was shaking on the way to the church but you know what - I acted like a lady. I wasn't rude or impolite and I didn't fall to pieces. And I think he's getting the message. Finally. And I looked good!!!! As in really good - my new blue dress made me look awesome.
• I'm a lot lighter now than I was the last time any of that lot saw me. At least 10kg lighter if not more. So I got a lot of compliments and praise for that :)
• I logged all my food - as best I could. Buffets are hard to assess and I think I may have left some thnigs out and added in extra of others but no matter, I did the best I could in the circumstances.
• I enjoyed myself Sat night. I had a relatively good time for the first part of the night just listening to the lads singing and all the rest, and for the second part - well the little snit that tried to upset me didn't. She didn't like strange women getting any attention from 'her' men but that's life sometimes. It's not like I'm letting someone like that drive me down the road to ruin. Plus even though she was skinnier than I am, I looked better than she did. A pleasant demeanour works wonders!!!
• I was so tired yesterday I didn't allow myself time to follow the plan. But that's ok cos I've rectified it this morning. And I know the overeating was due to exhaustion - the only other response would've been to take the day off work and that isn't possible right now. I feel better today and I have my food planned so things are good.
• I've put together my pain scale. It was difficult but I did it. And I've been lucky in life, I've never suffered the excruciating pain that never leaves you - I'ev managed to water down all my painful memories so they don't hit me as hard anymore. I'm slowly laying all those ghosts to rest!!

All in all it's been a good week but I need to take some things away from it.

1. I must try not to get so tired - I can't focus on anything when I'm that tired and it means my eating goes haywire.
2. I can achieve great results when I put my mind to it. When I can face down that creature and not obviously react, I can do anything. he didn't effect me, he didn't drive me to food or drink, I didn't spend all night stressing over him. he has lost his power over me.
3. If those memories have lost their power, then others will eventually too. I just have to keep living.
4. I eat a lot better when I have control over my food. That might seem obvious, but it's an important point to make.
5. I need to make plans to deal with weekends where I'm ill or tired now. I know how it effects me, and it isn't always possible to avoid being ill or tired so I need to think about strategies to deal with it.
6. Hunger isn't the enemy. It's not a friend, but neither is it an enemy. It just is.

OK that's a long one. But it's important for me to record this I think.

The weekend

I found Saturday a great day - I came in under cals, I did a lot of exercise, I generally enjoyed myself.

yesterday was pretty much the oppposite. I slept so late it wasn't funny but it was such a broken sleep I felt exhausted. I ate a lot of chocolate that I couldn't even taste in the end. I didn't eat slowly and mindfully, I definitely ate mindlessly. I don't know what was wrong with me at all.

I ended up 900+cals over my daily allowance. Now over the week, 1000cals isn't a huge deal - technically it should amount to a difference of 143g over the week. But I know my body doesn't work that way, I know my body sees a blow out like this and thinks it now needs to hang on for dear life to every single cal and convert it into fat.

I'm feeling fairly down and depressed about yesterday. I'm not sure why it happened, I can't think why I felt like that...........It may have had something to do with staying over in Al's but I don't know. I tend to have air flowing through the house at all times and have the place semi cold, he tends towards the other direction. he also closes over his bedroom door at night which means the air gets really stuffy and I find it hard to breathe - or indeed wake up without a headache........

Maybe I need to talk to him about this,..........I've discussed the diet lark with him but because he doesn't really need to lose weight or watch what he eats, he doesn't automatically check before he offers me something - like chocolate or crisps or something. He assumes if I don't want them, I can say no and if I do want them it's ok to eat them.............I'm not sure. I'll have to think of something because this is important to me and I am going to succeed at it!!!

Beck Diet Solution - week 1 & Day 8

OK so technically I suppose this should be two posts but I have another post I want to write today so I'll squish these two into one.

Week one of the diet solution. Well, I'm not noticing any major changes as yet. Partly this may be because I had already started to do some of these things, and partly because I don't realise the full impact of the activities or I haven't implemented them fully yet.

Over the weekend I found it difficult. One of the tasks was to implement changes in the house and workplace to encourage good dieting behaviour. I'm unsure what to do with this, mainly because, my house and workplace are already designed around my needs and I'm not sure what to change to facilitate further effective behaviours. In the end I decided that mental health is as important as physical health so I'm engaging in a major declutter over the next few weeks. OK so this isn't exactly as the diet solution asks but it's my way of making the commitment!!

Day 8. Scheduling time for Dieting. This is a bit more difficult. I can plan to a certain extent a few days in advance - but all it takes is a few minor blips and that's the plan out the window. Over the years of dieting, I have developed a flexible plan approach. I make my plans, and then have back up plans for when I need them.

So I've broadened this a little bit. I know I find it easier to exercise when I do it straight after work, so I bring my gym kit in the car with me every day now. If I don't exercise then, it gets more and more difficult at the day goes on to get off the couch - the notion of a sit down after work, just isn't acceptable to me. So for 2 hours after work I can allocate time for exercise. When you take into account getting to the gym, showering, getting home, 2hrs gives me ~90mins of exercise. Now I can't do this every day so I need to find something productive to do with my time outside of exercise on the days I don't go to the gym. I'm thinking of doing an OU course in nutrition at the minute to see if that would help me understand various things. We'll see.

So there you go. Week one and day eight all in one go :)

Giving myself credit

Today's assignment in the Beck Diet solution is to give myself credit for things I've achieved. This comes extremely hard for me because I can be extremely self critical - to the point where I don't even notice the voice in my head - it jsut seems like it's my own thoughts.......which technically it is but they aren't even vocalised anymore.

So, I need to come up with plans to make sure I do take credit for things I do well. Instead of thinking of all the things that I haven't done yet for the diet, I need to think of the things I have done.

* I have read my advantages card every day, twice a day
* I have eaten sitting down for every meal yesterday and this morning
* I have tidied the dining room and living room to make them pleasant places to eat
* I have cooked a nutritious and healthy dinner for 2 nights on the trot
* I have kept inside my cals yesterday
* I have done exercise even though my class was cancelled

All these things are good things, things that I deserve credit for doing. Things that if it were someone else I would be egging them on, telling them how great they were being. So why can't I do that for myself???

I will have to try. Today I have two tasks for myself

1) Get a notebook I can call a diet noebook
2) Email my coach and explain what the hell this is all about

Now there's no major problem doing either of these so this is good. They are achieveable tasks. I can do them. I will do them.

And I'll be posting later to say I have done them!!!

Gained :(

You have gained 2.6 kg in the last 14 days.


Your goal in the last 14 days was to lose 2 kg.

This is not the result you were looking for but don’t be disheartened. The most important thing is to make sure you complete your food diary as often and as accurately as you can. This will help you to identify areas where you can make changes that will make a difference.

OK so 2.6kg is not the end of the world. It wipes out any loss I may have had in March but still not the end of the world. And I can relose that. I want that 2.6kg gone out of my life. It's like cutting off deadwood - it elaves teh rest of the body free to prosper and achieve what it needs to achieve.

Today's task on the Beck Diet Solution is to eat 100% of my meals sitting down. Now while I already eat sitting down about 90% of the time, I have a dodgy habit of eating on teh couch rather than the table. So today when I go home, I'm going to clear off the table, tidy up the dining room area and declutter it, and make the dining table a pleasant place to eat. I was half way there until the half way through March when things went mental so it's time to get back on track. So that's today's task.

I've also got my first spin class tonight - a bit scared bout that, but it will help my cycling with a bit of luck :) I need to do a run tonight as well, but I may skip the weights - I don't want to seriously upset my system :)

So - home by 3:30, get ready for the gym, tidy the dining room and declutter, make dinner and off to the gym for 6:30. (Class isn't til 7 but I think I feel more comfortable getting there early the first time at least!!)

March round up

Well March was a bit of a miss rather than a hit. I think I've put weight on rather than lost it this month but I'm addressing that already.

So, it wasn't the best of months but it wasn't the worst either. And I know the next few months are going to be easier now. It's a downhill road to the first week in June so I can look forward to that :)

No point in going over my emotions and feelings for March but it will be better from now on.

The Beck Diet Solution

I started this today. OK so technically it should've been yesterday but there you go - life's like that!!

One of the first exercises I had to do was to list the reasons I want to lose weight and post them in visible places where I can access them. I've three paper copies but I figured this is as good a place as any. So here you go :)

* I’ll look better and more attractive


* I’ll be able to wear a smaller clothes size

* I’ll fit into more fashionable clothing

* I’ll be able to buy some fancy new underwear

* I’ll feel happier when I look in the mirror

* I’ll enjoy trying on clothes

* I’ll feel better in swimming togs

* I’ll feel better physically

* I’ll have more energy

* I’ll like myself better

* I’ll feel as if I’ve accomplished something important

* I’ll be less self-critical

* My family won’t remark about my weight or my eating

* I’ll be more comfortable eating in front of others

* I’ll be healthier

* I’ll be more comfortable in my own skin

* People won’t pigeon hole me as the ‘fat chick’

* I’ll have a more balanced approach to life

 
So my next step for today is to pick two diets that are sensible and nutritious....I've chosen wlr and Dr D'Adamo's Blood Type diet (if you google it it comes up with lots of info on it). For my back up I've got Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin. (Again google it :))

I think the combination of wlr and the blood type diet will work well as neither of them are restrictive or threatening.........

Next step for tomorrow is to eat sitting down - something I do a lot anyway, but I think I need to make it official :)

Insomnia

OK So I've been awake since 2:20am. It's now 4:20am. Work is not going to be fun tomorrow.

Things are going around and around in my brain and I think I'm putting myself under too much pressure. So I thought I'd write them out.

1) I'm worried about Al. He is getting better but the depressive episodes are getting worse I think when they happen and it scares me that in only 3months I'll be leaving him alone and I'm not sure how much support he'll have during the week. To mitigate this, I've been looking online for a private psychiatrist to see if I can check up costs, as we think that's the only next step available.

2) I'm worried cos HR have apparently 'lost' 10 of my holidays which means I have to work for two weeks longer than planned. I'm upset about this because I had planned to have a break before starting work in the new place and this will put some extra pressure on me. But even with the holidays they're talking about, I will have a week to get myself sorted out before I start the new job. It's just not really a problem, but a minor irritation. And it may yet be sorted out.......

3) I'm worried about not sleeping. Daft I know, but there you go. The doc has given me sleeping tablets but I don't want to take them at 3am cos I probably wouldn't wake til after the working day was over lol

4) I'm worried that something will crop up and I won't get this job and the old job won't want me back and all will be for nought and I'll be homeless and have to move home.......Now this really is a ridiculous notion cos I know I can do the job, I know there's nothing to stop me doing this job and there's nothing really wrong with my application or my interviews and dammit the company want me so what the hell am I worried about?

All this is whizzing around in my head and it's ridiculous - I know it's ridiculous, and for the love of God most of it I can do nothing about. And the things I can do something about, I am doing something about. The move is a huge opportunity, it's a lot more money, it's a new industry, new company, whole new arena for me to develop into.

The Al thing - the man's 41 yrs old. He can actually look after himself, he's managed this far, but still I feel responsible for him now...........so I need to put things in place before I go rather than worry, and I'm doing that by chasing up the private angle.

So with all that off my chest, I should manage to get to sleep now right?

Well we'll see..........

Planning and plans for the future

I got the call from my interview on Thursday to say I had the job. This was great news. I am over the moon about this. It's a massive change and it's a massive upheaval but I can't help thinking it couldn't have happened at a better time or a better period.

All this means however, that it's time for a massive declutter and sort out of the house. I have 3months before i start the new job but that will be pushing it for time knowing this place!! So the declutter is planned for next weekend. I may even start packing things away in preparation for the move.

This does bring me to planning though. The plans for the future are pretty much there now - I'm moving jobs and changing life. Planning in general though, does not come easily to me. I hate planning out my meals for the week, I hate planning my exercise for the week, I hate planning full stop. But the fact of the matter is it works for me. In a minimal quantity anyway. So I'm about to sit down and go through my freezer and chuck out the things that I know I won't eat. And then I'm going to base this weeks meals around what's in there. And then I'm going to see if I can get next week's out of them as well.

The freezer is really full at the minute and i'm unsure how much stuff is edible or tasty in there. So I'm having a clear out. The start of the declutter I suppose :) Then I can go through my cupboards and presses and do the same. So all I should need to do tomorrow is to top up with fresh fuit and vegetables and make sure I have all the essentials. I have bread, eggs and cheese anyway, so a mainly f&v shop looks in order.

Now I also have dinner tonight sorted - there's chicken soup stewing and Al has made a casserole so that's ok.So for the rest of today I need to:

* finish laundry
* tidy living room
* go to gym
* wash car
* tidy bedroom
* lay out clothes for the week
* bag up clothes for charity

It appears like it's a lot but it's not really. I had a nice relaxing day yesterday in Cheltenham - and man, but La Tasca is enough to have anyone break out of strict eating plans!!! so today is about preparation, preparation, preparation....... :)

I'm feeling a lot happier in myself and my life now I know things are going to change. It's like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders!!! :)

Anger

Anger is not normally an emotional one associates with issues with weight management. But I'm finding today it is affecting the way I feel and the way I want to behave.

I was informed this morning of a decision made in work a few days ago, which essentially takes my team away from me and leaves me no way to complete the work I've been asked to oversee without major delays. I'm so angry at 1) the team being taken away from me, 2)the plain rudeness of not telling me about the matter and 3) the fact that nothing is in place to help me that I'm sat in my office shaking.

I also want to eat.

As a short term measure, I walked back from the meeting the long way around and tried to walk off the adrenaline, but that hasn't worked. I've had my mid morning snack - at about the right time - but I'm still feeling weak, shaky and dizzy - all symptoms of the sheer anger and frustration I'm feeling. I'm having a coffee - which probably isn't helping, but I'm off choccy for Lent - to try and slow my brain down and think about this rationally but it's jsut one more symptom of everything that is wrong with my job here.

But I need to manage the anger now. Yes it's justified. Yes, it's understandable. But it's hurting me right now and no one else to have me feeling this way. So I need to calm down and relax and not scoff my whole lunch as an act of defiance.

Why am I writing this? Cos I need to think it out - and the angry typing is helping - a bit. And I need to record what I'm thinking and how it's affecting me so when I'm in a calmer frame of mind I can assess it and make some plans for next time.

The problem with anger is, it's difficult to prepare for it. It's likely we know what kind of situations are likely to cause us to feel anger, but it's difficult to predict when this will occur. Add this to the fact that if an situation is expected to cause anger then it probably will. The idea that one might get angry predisposes one to feel that emotion (now there's a sentence and a half!! lol) So the idea is to calm oneself in one's mind before entering a situation. Unfortunately that wasn't possible this morning and my reaction was my natural knee jerk reaction. It's causing problems in all sorts of areas for me right now but I can't see any way out...........

For now - well I've had my snack, it's 2hrs til I want to eat lunch and I can keep myself busy til then. I'll disappear for a walk at lunch time to get some fresh air to ease the stress and tension and by the time I need to attend this afternoon's meeting I may be in a better frame of mind.

One thing I am doing si to hit the gym tonight to use up some of the adrenaline - cos I don't think it does any good to leave it racing arounf the system the way it is now!!!

gaps getting longer

Which isn't really a good sign is it?

Well ok so there are reasons.

1) I had a job interview second week in March. It went really well. As in seriously really well. I want that job, they appear to want me and I have a second interview on Wednesday.

2) St Patrick's Day was last week. (Wednesday to be exact!) I was home all week and while I was eating properly most of the time for two days I drank far far too much!!! No idea how the weight went but my clothes still fit/are loose so it's all ok really.

3) I had to go suit-shopping with my mother last week. Which went a lot better than expected and I bought a suit in Next which has never happened before!!!

So reasons for not blogging - well ok, partly excuses but there you go.

I've registered 95kg on the scales last Monday so that was a good boost. Over the weekend, my period arrived and for the first time in ages, I spent Sunday on the couch, whimpering in pain and not eating. And then had McDonalds. Not the healthiest of options but certainly not the worst I've ever done on a period.

feeling fed up, peed off and generally not happy this morning. A combination of being back at work after a week off and the tail end (I hope!) of the period.

April is going to be 'Eat Right for your Type' month and I'll be reading up on that and sorting out what's needed in the next week.

Here we go again!!! :)

February round-up

Good news - in February I lost 3.6kg. Which is excellent and pretty much on target. However I was under cals every week so probably should have expected more of a loss.......

Bad news - for the last three weeks work has been so manic it's just not funny and it's affecting my mental state. So I'm looking to move jobs - temporary addition of stress but long term satisfaction....I hope!!!

The f&v count has been steadily in the 8-16 a day range which I'm happy about and more veg has made inroads into my diet.

This month's challenge is to get back on the exercise loop. I've signed up for a duathlon in September so I need to be able to run 5k, cycle 20k and then run another 5k by then. I can do it - I just need to push myself a bit, that's all. And my Dad is helping me out as much as he can :)

This month will also be a challenge in that it's St Patrick's Day on the 17th, so I may have to adjust for maintenance cals that day and make them up on exercise later. But I can plan for it and it's not that bad :)

OK back to the grindstone we go!!

General update

My weight report for this week :)

Your current weight is 99.8 kg, when you updated your weight 7 days ago, you were 101.1 kg.

You have lost 1.3 kg in the last 7 days.
Your goal in the last 7 days was to lose 750 g.
Give yourself a treat for achieving your goal!

And that's after pancakes last night :) If this keeps up for next week, I will be changing my activity to mod active and seeing how it goes :)

I've also managed to lose 5cm off my chest and 4 off my waist. My hips appear to have gained 3cm but I'm not too worried - I always find it difficult to remember where exactly I measure on my hips!! :)

It has been a good few days and today's fasting and abstinence will only help matters I think. I may include a weekly fast in my Lenten observances as well.......but I'm not sure on that one yet!! :)

Ash Wednesday the first day of Lent

I weill do a more practical post in a min re: cals for the last few days and weight loss this week, but I want to get a few thoughts out on Lent and Ash Wednesday and all the rest of it.

I am a practising Catholic so Lent is important to me. As such, as a child, I always did the obligatory giving up sweets for Lent etc. This year I didn't just want to fall back on that. I am taking the opportunity to weed out chocolate and crisps for a month and a bit but I wanted to do something more, something that would help me grow as a person as well as shrink as a physical entity.

So I've ordered a book on Catholic Devotions from the internet and this Lent, once the book arrives, I'm giong to devote some of my day to prayer and thought of the bigger world. OK so no immediate direct benefit to my weight loss path, but I think by taking this time and thinking of something other than myself, I might actually grow in spirit. And if nothing else it is a means to aportion some of the day as definite non-eating time.

I'm not sure how it will work, not even sure what form it will take - but I will keep ye updated :)

It's not a good time to be awake!

Well if it were time to be awake I'm sure it would be good, but seriously? 3am is not normally a good thing to be seeing when there's work in the morning.

This sleeplessness thing is going to affect my weight - I know it will. It's leading me to the tendency to eat too much. Added to the extra exercise inherent with the running around in work, this is causing some problems. I'm finding the helpteam on wlr a little less helpful than usual but how much of that is my mental state and how much is the quality of their advice? I'm not sure!!

I have to tackle this but bitter experience lets me know that attempting to force myself to sleep will only lead to more sleeplessness. So we're back to the painstaking steps. Get more fresh air, eat properly, use my body and mind so both of them are tired when I want to sleep.....it's like I'm talking about a different entity when I'm talking about 'me' and 'my body & mind'. Weird isn't it? It's one whole being but I'm segregating it...........

I think when I'm tired I will go back to sleep........but until then, I'm awake and suffering :)

I'm back

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

It's such a cliched phrase at this point that I nearly always groan when I hear it!!

But it's true. And each and every day we get up it is the first day of the rest of our lives. And each and every day we make decisions that will affect the rest of our lives.

For me today, the decision is to not  to allow work to get on top of me, to stay in here for another 20mins so the lads can sort themselves out and let me know of any problems and then to go home and get ready for the day. The decision is also to look at how this latest project has changed my activity levels, my energy levels and make adjustments to suit.

I figured out today that if I lose 750g a week, I will be merely overweight by the time I turn thirty instead of obese. I turn 30 in June. I could be overweight by June!!! Equally, I could be a healthy weight by Christmas. A normal, fitter, healthier BMI by Christmas.

Is this the year I lose those 35kg? or will it be the same as the last years where I'ev lost for the first month or so then played around with the same 10kg for the yr? I know what I want it to be............

Why I haven't posted in a week

I just posted the below on my weight loss site. I've been given charge of a major project at work and it's affecting me. I still lost 1kg this week though :) If I'm honest, I haven't posted all week cos things have been getting on top of me and I haven't been happy. I'm taking steps today to correct that but I'm not sure how it's going to work yet!!

So I'm writing it all out and seeing where it takes me :)


.....I had a serious aversion to posting on here today. I don't know why, but I have 5mins to spare and for some weird reason I just didn't want anyone to know I was alive......


So I figured I was better off posting and seeing why I didn't want to post.


First things first - well, yesterday food was consumed. A lot of food was consumed. 1000cals in Green and Black's alone. I need to tot that up.


I have spent a lot of time on my feet and walking but no formal exercise. That will hopefully be resolved this evening.


F&V has remained high and above the 5 a day line, but I feel like it's not in control anymore - it's more by accident than design I reach the 5 portions.


I'm guzzling water like there's a drought coming but I'm also guzzling coffee in a similar fashion and last night was the first night this week I didn't have magners. This isn't usual behaviour for me anymore!!!


Second - work. Well it's manic, but I have a meeting in half an hour that should provide clarification on several matters and I have managed to gouge out some interesting little bits to keep me sane while the project comes to fruition.


Third - sleep - it's not going well. I slept last night but I'm back to waking and feeling like I haven't slept at all. I think this is related to the lack of fresh air and exercise but I'm not sure. It could be because my body didn't get a rest last night cos my mind was churning and I'm back to (relatively low level) nightmares again. Will get my body exhausted through exercise tonight.


Fourth - generally - I feel myself wanting to retreat into myself again and not have contact with people in a social context. Al is still calling round most days but I'm not talking to friends or family like I normally do. I'm starting to use 'should' a lot in conversation again and the guilt is back - the constant anxiety that something isn't right or isn't going well or I've forgotten something.


I've taken some steps to adress the above - the meeting @ 11 is one of them - but I need to do something else as well.


It's the 11th February and I've yet to make it to the gym this year. The bag is in the car and ready to go but I allowed myself to drift into staying in work til 6 last night so I felt too tired to go..........


Not sure what the point of all this is but I feel better for having written it and this can count as social interaction right?

Today was a good day :)

I lost 2.4kg in the last 3 weeks :D I am very happy about this!!!

I came in under cals for last week and for today and I made it to an average of 5.4 f&v a day :)

I did an aerobic workout today for 20mins AND 30mins toning.

I'm feeling tired but good.

I'm hoping to make it to the pool tomorrow - we'll see. It was meant to be last night but was in work til 5 so wasn't going to happen!!! lol

here's to a good week and another loss next week :)

Today's results:

Daily Cal Quota: 1589

+ Exercise Cals: 339
Total Cal Quota: 1928
Calories Consumed: 1801
Calories Left: 128
Cals to Maintain Weight: 2589

Portions of f&v: 6.4

So a good day, despite messing up with lunch - it stank to high heaven so boss did a quick run to McD's........and I *still* came in under cals today :)

New month, new me :)

Well ok, not quite a new me, but a new facet to the weight loss journey. This month I'm going to be focussing on dressing up and looking nice. Far too often I wander into work with trackies or dodgy jeans and there's really no need for it. So following a wonderful course run by WES at the weekend, I popped into Debenhams and bought myself a pair of new work trousers. So I now have 2 pairs of black trousers to wear so I look smart for work.

I also bought myself a new top so i could start off yesterday feeling great :) But it turns out that my old V-necks are fitting me again so I can wear those as well. I'm feeling pretty damn good about this I have to say!!!

The numbers for teh last few days are pretty good as well:

Saturday:
Daily Cal Quota: 1492

+ Exercise Cals: 811
Total Cal Quota: 2303
Calories Consumed: 2219
Calories Left: 85

Only 2 portions f&v but not the end of the world considering I spent a fair whack of time on a train :)

Sunday:
Daily Cal Quota: 1492

+ Exercise Cals: 328
Total Cal Quota: 1820
Calories Consumed: 1775
Calories Left: 46
Cals to Maintain Weight: 2492
 F&V a bit better at 3 portions but again, understandable :)

Yesterday was a quite good day:

Daily Cal Quota: 1492

+ Exercise Cals: 0
Total Cal Quota: 1492
Calories Consumed: 1409
Calories Left: 83
Cals to Maintain Weight: 2492


And 8 portions F&V so all in all it's quite a good week. I was 550cal under for the week last night and I'm averaging 4.9 portions f&v a day :) seeing as how I've had 8 portions already today, that looks set to tip over the 5 mark for the week.
 
Feeling quite happy and my sleep has improved which is all good. Now I need to get back into the exercise lark :) I'm planning a trip to the pool this afternoon so hopefully that will kickstart the exercise regime again :)

Good weekend

A bit of a tough night on Friday night - a friend came to visit me from Newcastle so we had a bit of a session - but still under cals :)

Saturday was spent on a train and in a course. A really good course mind, but a bit intense. And considering I had chocolate for breakfast, a miracle I came in under cals :)

Today was a mostly quiet day - Al's parents were over for lunch and that was pretty much what I'd ate today :)

Which is good cos it was lovely, but wow am I stuffed.

So, nice bath and early bed for me :)

Today was a good day

Despite the inauspicious start at 3am and being unable to sleep today was a good day. I went into work for 5am so I could get away by 1, I went to the vampires (aka the nurses who specialise in taking blood samples) and to the post office so all my bills are taken care of for the month.

I managed 8 portions f&v and I'm well over 5000steps for the day. (5000 is what I'm aiming for to allow me to have a 'moderately sedentary' allowane. If I can increase it to 7000steps a day for 6 weeks i'm allowing myself to increase to 'moderately active' :))

So all in all a good day. The cals include a portion of apple crumble that Im not entirely sure I'll have but the option is there if I need it :)

Last week was very very difficult, but i think going to the doctor was a good move and it will help me in the week ahead. I ended up 500cals over for the week and didn't lose any weight, but equally I didn't gain any either. So that's good. As a reflection though, I really need to get back to the gym - I'm really starting to notice a difference in my clothes now and I think it's the lack of exercise..................

Anyway - daily round up below :)


Daily Cal Quota: 1492


+ Exercise Cals: 0

Total Cal Quota: 1492

Calories Consumed: 1273

Calories Left: 219

Cals to Maintain Weight: 2492

Today was a better day

Daily Cal Quota: 1492


+ Exercise Cals: 221

Total Cal Quota: 1713

Calories Consumed: 1639

Calories Left: 73

Cals to Maintain Weight: 2492

 
As can be seen the numbers look better today than they have for a long long time...........I'm still over for the week but today is the first day of the rest of my life and it's going to be a good one. F&v 8 portions. And some exercise. So that is good :)
 
And I've got a lie in in the morning cos I've to go to get some bloods taken..........well every cloud etc :)

New day, new week, new start!!

Well ok, so the weekend could have been a lot lot worse. And it wasn't too bad really. As of things after I eat lunch today but before I eat dinner, I am 180 cals over for the week. But I'm planning on doing some exercise so I can make up a decent amount to have dinner with!!!

And there's always tomorrow to claim back some cals as well. In other news I've managed an average of 7 portions f&v a day so that's well on track and the nutitrional info below appears to be ok. The alcohol cals were probably a mistake but it was a fun night so not the end of the world.

Percent Calories From:
Carbohydrate (50.2%)

Protein (12.6%)
Fat (30%)
Alcohol (7.1%)

today and tomorrow to get through and then weigh in on Wednesday. I was at the docs on Friday and she's sending me for bloods to see if there's a medical reason I find it hard to lose weight, but I really don't hold out much hope for that. She has upped my anti depressants though so fingers crossed that will have a positive effect!!! I am glad I went to see her though cos I was starting to stress and now things just don't appear as bad!!!
 
So, tonight I will be having a nice bowl of soup for dinner and maybe some bread (don't worry, it will be a BIG bowl of soup lol) and hopefully I will earn enough cals to make a hot chocolate achieveable!!! :)
 
And by end of play tomorrow I will be under cals again for the week - all ready to start fresh on Wednesday :)

Been a rough few days

I've had a pretty tough week and haven't been properly keeping track of what I've eaten or done. This is bad.

On the plus side, I went to the doctor today to talk about some things and she's sending me for some blood tests and upping my meds to see if it makes a difference for me. I've not been sleeping, I've not been eating, I've had no energy, I've been getting really tense and freaked out by people.........so hopefully the weight will start dropping again...........

Cals today are way over - not sure by how many, but way way over..........

Tomorrow is another day and I'm off to bed now - and yes I realise what time it is!!! lol

Today was a bad day

961cals over allowance so just about barely within maintenance allowance but definitely not healthy eating.

A long day after little sleep, spent with people I really don't like spending time with......led to an accidental - well ok fully intentional - consumption of a 140g fruit and nut........so ok not the whole damage but about half of it!!!!!

Off to bath and bed for me :D

17th & 18th January

Yesterday's cals - made it to 4.5 portions but I've made up for this today!!! lol

Daily Cal Quota: 1492
+ Exercise Cals: 0
Total Cal Quota: 1492
Calories Consumed: 1447
Calories Left: 45
Cals to Maintain Weight: 2492

Today's:
Dailt Cal Quote: 1492
+ Exercise Cals: 0
Total Cal Quota: 1492
Calories Consumed: 1260
Calories left: 232
Cals to Maintain Weight: 2492

And 10 portions of f&v today :D

So not too bad. It was my first day back at work and I think the routine really really helped. I'm off on a site visit tomorrow which will be more difficult but I'll manage somehow :)

No exercise yet - still too ill after last week - but I was able to put in a decent days work and stay awake so that's a good sign :D

WOOHOO!!!

Today is a good day

So far anyway, although I'm strictly talking about diet wise here :)

In  other news, I stubbed my toe this morning so got a bruise there, and just managed to myself a horrible looking bruise on the back of my hand by falling against a door. So no purple clothes, makeup or anything else for a while!!! I'm NOT coordinating my wardrobe around my bruises!!!

But on the diet lark - I'm managing a fairly balanced diet today. Porridge for breakfast, quorn stir fry with cheese, lettuce and a wrap for lunch and quorn chilli for dinner. OK so maybe a bit of overdose on the quorn but it saves me money, it tastes better than meat and it keeps my protein up :)

Plus I'm off to a party tonight and Al loves my outfit!!! :) Woohoo :)

So I'm in full size 16 outfit with high heels and feeling fab (bruises notwithstanding) and I'm going to rock!!! (Albeit very carefully cos of the whole still not quite being in full health yet!!!!)

The Diets that Time Forgot

It's come up with a nice sentence. For me anyway :)


'They must learn to practise restraint'

Now I can do this with money, shoes, books, but with food......it's really difficult!!!

So I need to start thinking about ways to get restraint around food. There must be some way I can learn restraint or train myself to restraint with food. Denying myself foods doesn't work long term because I end up binging. Allowing myself as much of the food as I want doesn't really work because I manage to keep on eating and eating and eating. So I need to allow myself something in moderation. But controlling that and determining what 'moderation' is and what it means to me is going to be difficult.

I want to lose weight. No that's not true.

I want to be a healthy weight. I want to be able to go to the doctors with a complaint and not have him say, 'well losing a few pounds probably wouldn't help'. I want to be able to enjoy food for the sake of enjoying food without the associated feelings of guilt or unhappiness or any of the rest. I want to be able to live my life and be able to relax around food.

I know the basics of energy in vs energy out. I know that anything I eat I can earn back through cals. But I also know I need to look at getting the right kind of balance into my life as well. I can't obsess over this, but I need to be aware of what I'm eating and what kind of ratio of food types I'm eating as well. I'm not sure the whole food pyramid is exactly the right way to go but it might not be a bad place to start!!

So I'm going to do some research and plan out a diet for the next week and see how it goes.

I want to get balance, no energy dips and some sensible eating habits. I can spend next weekend working on the exercise side of things and work out a sensible approach to that as well.

I will do this. I am not giving up just cos of a small blip. I will succeed.

Regroup and plan

OK so last night should have been the review and plan for the next week post. It didn't happen cos of various things but mainly I feel lousy. So I'm reviewing this morning instead. Lucky me being off work sick. Still.

Daily total Consumed Weekly difference
Wed 06/01/2010 1511 1511 2388 877 877
Thu 07/01/2010 1511 1511 1709 198 1074
Fri 08/01/2010 1511 1511 1511 1074
Sat 09/01/2010 1511 1511 1511 1074
Sun 10/01/2010 1511 1511 1511 1074
Mon 11/01/2010 1511 1511 1572 61 1135
Tue 12/01/2010 1511 1511 1701 190 1325
Weekly Total 10577 10577 11902 1325


So according to my cals I was only 1325 over. But I didn't log for 3 days over the weekend cos I really didn't know what I was eating to be honest so that could be a lot more. Not a fantastic week, but I did show a 1kg loss on the scales from the post-Christmas weight so that's not too bad. And I was ok on the nutritional side - a bit to high on the fat, but within 10% tolerance so I'm happy :)

Next week (or this week rather) is going to be equally hard. I'm not back on work til Monday s0 that means no routine til Monday. And that's if I feel better. I'd better feel better mind, I'm starting to get really anxious and het up about all I'm missing. This is not helping the getting better thing so I'm going to have to work on this.

So the plan for today is to have a nice long bath using all my fancy stuff to make me feel better, then go down to boots and pick up some cough bottle and some face wash (both of which I need) and to head to the post office and get my ebay packages in the post. All things I need to do and which will get me out of the house and into the fresh air.

Tomorrow, I will think up a reason to leave the house as well, and Saturday and Sunday. Even if it's just to the corner shop. This has two aims: one to get me into the air, and two to get me doing some sort of gentle exercise. I can't get much more gentle than the 10mins into town.

For Monday and Tuesday I will get a walk in during work - there's lots of excuses I can think of for that so that won't be a problem.

Part two of the plan will be to keep within cals for every day this week. Yesterday is blown cos of a blow out with chocolate last night but the rest of the week is slavageable. I just have to think before I eat and put some of the things I've been reading about into practice.

One thing I am going to try this week is to tune into my body - listen to it and see what it's telling me. Am I hungry or am I comfort eating? Am I tired or distressed? Am I fed up or grumpy or just tired? What are the reasons behind it? It will take some effort and I don't expect to get it right all the time but at least allowing myself to take the time to note these things and why will be a step on the way. A mood diary of sorts I suppose.

Part three, is to up the intake of fruit and veg - with particular emphasis on the veg. Fruit I don't find too difficult to eat but veg I find the effort not worth it most of the time lol So I need to start expanding my range of vegetables and think of interesting things to do with them.

OK I think that's enough for this week. I will hopefully still be posting daily on how I'm getting on but the weekly post I'm planning on being an institution to force myself to take the time to think about how things have been and reasons why things may not be going so well. :)

OK 97kg, 12 to go for the next target :)

First day of the new me

Right well my weight loss site (www.weightlossresources.co.uk) is running a New Leaf Challenge right now. One of the tasks is to post a list of the new habits you're going to incorporate in the new year.

Well here's my post:

OK I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

- I'm going to eat 5 f&v a day with the aim of consuming more portions of vegetable than fruit - initially trying for 3 portions of veg a day

- I'm going to exercise enough so that I gain an extra days cals by exercise (at the minute this means I'm aiming for 1500cals of exercise a week) but this will have to wait until I've gotten rid of this blasted cold!!!

- I'm going to devote a minimum of an hour a week to reviewing the week before and planning the week ahead. This will probably take place on a Wednesday evening since Wednesday is weigh in

So there's three habits I want to incorporate in my life from now on.

Today it will be relatively easy to spend the hour reviewing last week and planning next week cos i'm off work sick. It also means that the exercise one will have to take a back seat until I'm better. But, I can do some quiet exercise type things - like going for a quiet walk for 10mins or something. So I may not make my 1500cal aim this week but I am going to try for some exercise cals.

I'll log back on later with the review and the plan for next week :)

New Year, new start...

OK so I'm a bit late to be jumping on the New Year bandwagon but that suits me. I've been off work sick today and I'm not likely to be in tomorrow either so while I can't read or concentrate much I can get some thinking done.

I want to lose 24kg this year. I'm not admitting this anywhere else, but I really really want to reach 74kg this year. That would be a huge achievement. (It would have been 69kg but there was a blip over Christmas so there's another 5kg to catch up on!!!)

So here's the thing. 24kg is 2kg a month, which is 0.5kg a week. Which is very doable once I get back on my feet again. Suffering from a cold is not conducive to weight loss. I don't care what anyone says - cough bottle and lemsip are not cal free unfortunately although I'm taking them as if they are!!

So this week. Well I'm focussing on getting better and I'm eating what I fancy. Today this worked quite well, even with a mammoth bar of choccy I ended up 61cals over my allowance. So this is good. It could've been a lot lot worse. Plus my darling boyfriend has left me with a good big tub of veg curry which will be good - low in cals, filling and spicy so I can taste it!!!

So we're going back to basics for the rest of this month. Record everything I eat and drink, aim for 30mins exercise 5 times a week, 5 fruit & veg a day min, drink 2litres of water a day minimum.

For a start of the year this will be good enough I think. And hopefully I'll be back to my pre Christmas weight in a week or two......it's not proper weight, I know that, I just need to let it go away again now :)

Happy New Year!!!!