Another absence.....

Well it's been a long time again hasn't it. Thankfully this time, only 3 weeks and not 3months.

I went back to the docs today. 6weeks ago she told me I was bulimic. Today she told me I was normal. I'm not sure how to manage those two assertions.

I'm feeling lost alone and isolated. I need to make contact with people. I need to see people. I've never really linked depression with weight but it's obvious that they are linked. Once I get back on top of the depression, I can start working seriously on the weight/size again. Being honest - it's the same sort of things that will help both- eat healthily, lots of fruit and veg, get fresh air and exercise, dress properly, socialise, make an effort with myself, keep the house tidy........

Tonight I was going to salsa but it's £6 and I don't have it - payday being in 2 days time. And of course since I know noone round here it's not the sort of thing I can pop round to the neighbours and ask to borrow........

So instead, I'm having a pizza. yup I know - about as useful in the long run as a chocolate teapot. However, after the pizza, I'm clearing out the dining room of clutter, and putting it all somewhere useful. Tomorrow I am booked in for aqua aerobics. Monday I am booked in for a gym review. I'm off to see a friend and her kids this weekend.

Life is good you know, really - I just need to convince my brain of that fact.

I suppose the day wasn't helped by the antics on the scales this morning.This is what I posted on wlr this morning.

I had another wagon planned for this morning but my scales have given me serious grief this morning. I've been suspicious about them for a few weeks now but this morning really took the p......mickey :)


I didn't weigh last week cos i wasn't home, so I was expecting a stay the same or a slight loss or a slight gain. The first time I got on the scales I saw an 8kg gain. Something wrong there I thought. Got off, zeroed scales, tried again. 14kg loss. Now while I was tempted to take this for a correct reading I had the vaguest of feelings it wasn't right......I'm not on the Biggest Loser after all!

Over the next 10mins I had pretty much every number in a 25kg range.

I tried the back up scales in case it was the batteries going in the first one. Same result.

I started to feel really miserable and despondent at this point, cos some of those numbers were a LOT higher than I've ever recorded and some of them were scarily close to my goal weight.......well the initial one anyway. To stop myself getting upset, I came downstairs and made myself a coffee, caught up with some emails, watched the news........

I went up to go to the bathroom and tried again. same result.

At this point, my rational mind kicked in. Obviously something is going on here that isn't normal. I'm prepared to accept that moving my scales will make a difference, that the way I stand on them will make a difference, the atmospheric pressure will make a difference.....but not to the extent of 25kg - not in my tiny bathroom anyway!

So I've left it. But my irrational mind is still harking on at me about those big numbers.......Numbers that never appeared even in my nightmares?

What is it about this small cuboid in my bathroom that it has such control over me? I know I've been eating sensibly over the last two weeks (cal count not accurate due to no internet access last week!) I've not been binging or out of control even in the hotel I had cold meat and fruit for breakfast rather than the fry up. I made the best of a difficult situation. If it was anyone else, I'd be saying, there's blatantly something wrong here you've done well, leave it alone.

For a lot of us, scales have a huge power over us - and it's one of the signs that things aren't right with me generally that it's having such an effect on me - so why is it?

Is our worth and our contribution to ourselves and our lives and our families really determined by a number appearing on a small screen?

Are we to be judged only by our weight?

Is there nothing else in life?

Now we all know the answers to the questions above will vary slightly according to each of us, but I'd hate to think anyone thought their worth in this world is judged by the scales.

So I'm making an executive decision. I'm weighing again tomorrow and if the scales are still weird - I'm throwing out the scales I have and getting a new set on Friday. Starting fresh and see how I go.

And it's NOT a measure of who I am or what I am. Those scales will NOT control my life. I will NOT become obsesssed and miserable and horrible to myself because of those mech/elec items.


I am more than a number on the scales!!!


So the day didn't start right but I will finish it right!!! half hour of tidying followed by a bath and then bed.

Woohoo.