The week/weekend

OK no post in a week. There are a few reasons for that.

1) I'm finding I'm struggling in work at the minute. Motivation isn't really that high and it's not being helped by the fact I'm being marginalised and stuck to one side in a lot of issues. The daily schedule on the Beck thing is helping but I'm still finding it difficulty.

2) I was ill on Friday - was up vomiting and the other end all night and most of the morning. Meant Friday was a write off in terms of food or following the plan.

3) I had a very busy weekend. Didn't stick to the plan all the time but on the whole I don't think I did too badly. More detail on the weekend to follow.

4) After the weekend I was exhausted yesterday. really exhausted - overeating central I was so tired. But I did log it all so I know where I am. Which is good.

Some things I need to focus on are:

• I thought this weekend would be a complete disaster for my self esteem. I went to a christening where my ex was one of the godfathers and it was upsetting me for most of the week. Preying on my mind was the fact that his new gf was going to be there and I was alone cos Al couldn't come. And how I would react to seeing him again. Well I did really well. OK so I was shaking on the way to the church but you know what - I acted like a lady. I wasn't rude or impolite and I didn't fall to pieces. And I think he's getting the message. Finally. And I looked good!!!! As in really good - my new blue dress made me look awesome.
• I'm a lot lighter now than I was the last time any of that lot saw me. At least 10kg lighter if not more. So I got a lot of compliments and praise for that :)
• I logged all my food - as best I could. Buffets are hard to assess and I think I may have left some thnigs out and added in extra of others but no matter, I did the best I could in the circumstances.
• I enjoyed myself Sat night. I had a relatively good time for the first part of the night just listening to the lads singing and all the rest, and for the second part - well the little snit that tried to upset me didn't. She didn't like strange women getting any attention from 'her' men but that's life sometimes. It's not like I'm letting someone like that drive me down the road to ruin. Plus even though she was skinnier than I am, I looked better than she did. A pleasant demeanour works wonders!!!
• I was so tired yesterday I didn't allow myself time to follow the plan. But that's ok cos I've rectified it this morning. And I know the overeating was due to exhaustion - the only other response would've been to take the day off work and that isn't possible right now. I feel better today and I have my food planned so things are good.
• I've put together my pain scale. It was difficult but I did it. And I've been lucky in life, I've never suffered the excruciating pain that never leaves you - I'ev managed to water down all my painful memories so they don't hit me as hard anymore. I'm slowly laying all those ghosts to rest!!

All in all it's been a good week but I need to take some things away from it.

1. I must try not to get so tired - I can't focus on anything when I'm that tired and it means my eating goes haywire.
2. I can achieve great results when I put my mind to it. When I can face down that creature and not obviously react, I can do anything. he didn't effect me, he didn't drive me to food or drink, I didn't spend all night stressing over him. he has lost his power over me.
3. If those memories have lost their power, then others will eventually too. I just have to keep living.
4. I eat a lot better when I have control over my food. That might seem obvious, but it's an important point to make.
5. I need to make plans to deal with weekends where I'm ill or tired now. I know how it effects me, and it isn't always possible to avoid being ill or tired so I need to think about strategies to deal with it.
6. Hunger isn't the enemy. It's not a friend, but neither is it an enemy. It just is.

OK that's a long one. But it's important for me to record this I think.